At His Door

"sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it."

God's words to Cain, first murderer and hardened sinner, before he attacked his brother.

It's a battle. When you think you're standing firm, you show your weak spot. How easy it is to change our attitude and corresponding actions based on our sinful desires...and still think we're right with God.

In church...that's right, in church, where I am supposedly the perfect Christian man leading his family in worship to God...I sin. My heart lied to me, and I caught myself believing the lie.

Right before the first hymn, I hand one of my boys the bulletin to hang onto while I hold the hymnal. A very small task to help me as I try to serve him. But he won't hang onto it. First he tries to pass it off to his sister. Next, he tries to fold it in half so it will lay on the pew between himself and his sister...I grab it back from him. I don't know if he realized my attitude toward him changed, but it did. I held the hymnal right in front of myself instead of leaning it over so it would be between us. "If he's not going to help me, then I'm not going to help him."

Then it hits me, "This isn't what I want! My whole goal is to get him to worship our God with me. I'm trying to punish him. I'm trying to make him love me by withholding my love. What is wrong with me?"

Of course I know exactly what's wrong with me. I'm a sinner who has no idea how incredibly sinful he is. I'm a sinner who complains about all the stuff going wrong in my life without realizing I'm causing the problems. I'm a sinner that judges others based on their actions and myself based on my intentions. I'm a sinner who wants everyone to serve me and my "needs".

I'm a sinner...who doesn't have to be.

"Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

Repent means "to turn". Knowing what God has done to save me, His great love for me, allows me to turn. No one truly turns without love. Why do we keep believing we have control over other people? Even our children? You can force someone to obey, but their heart will not turn. Why do I try to turn my children without love? Foolishness.

I leaned over to my boy and pointed to each word as I was singing. My wife had no idea I was struggling with this sin in church. And if she didn't know, I'm positive no one else noticed. But it was there, in that holy place where God has put His Name. Sin, crouching at my door. But also in that holy place, I heard exactly what I needed to hear,

"God, our heavenly Father, has been merciful to us and has given his only Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. Therefore, as a called servant of Christ and by his authority, I forgive you all your sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."

And I said, "Amen!"