Where have you been?

 Wow...It's been a while since I've posted anything here. I suppose there are many reasons for that, even reasons I don't fully comprehend, but it happened. Do you ever wonder, "What happened? How did I get here?" 

Thinking back. I went through a period of my life where I started thinking I wasn't very helpful to others...or my influence is not enough...or doubting the value of the work...

Even now I wonder, "Who am I writing this for? Why am I writing this like someone is actually going to read it?" But I have so many thoughts day after day, and I don't want to keep drifting. I keep looking for what God is calling me into...and nothing feels fantastic. Whenever I think something is taking shape, that other people will call me into a service...will value my God given gifts...it seems to fall flat. There are enough other people that disagree with the first people that wanted me to help and the people as a whole reject (or passively dismiss) what I have to offer.

Am I worthless?!

I have people in my life that say, "No, you are not worthless. You have tremendous value to us." I thank God for these people. They reinforce what God tells me in his word, but I pray that some day I will only need God's promises to sustain my feeling of value. Theoretically, God's promises should be enough, but maybe not yet (and that's OK). My God does not abandon me when I don't live up to perfection. That's why God came down from heaven, to meet me where I'm at. 

We all enjoy dramatic transformation stories...it just that most of us don't experience life that way. We're slow to change, we waiver and fall, we doubt and we struggle, we get anxious and depressed and angry...very angry. But God is greater than all of these. He lightens our load, He provides an easy way out, He strengthens us to continue the journey, to return.

So I'm back, at least for now. I'm going to try to write more freely. I'm going to try to be consistent. 

Even now I hear the whisper, "Who are you to post a blog? No one's going to see this. You're wasting your time. Even if this does provide some clarity for you now, it will be of no benefit for anyone else. Your children probably won't even read this, and they'd be the only ones to care...maybe when you're dead. Who's going to recieve any benefit from this effort? And if someone does find it, they'll probably turn it against you, attack you, belittle you. You only put yourself out there to be rejected, like all those other times. Save. Don't publish. Wait for later. Quit and get back to what you're supposed to be doing. Quit."

OK, the whisper easily turns into pretty load talking. Fear. It will stop us from so many things. It will obscure reality. I can ramble here, this is my space...not like it's a prepared sermon...not like I'm a professional writer...but then, should I be?

I'm publishing this to get over my fear...sorry for anyone that actually read this rambling. I pray that God works powerfully in your life and helps you overcome your fears too.