Where have you been?

 Wow...It's been a while since I've posted anything here. I suppose there are many reasons for that, even reasons I don't fully comprehend, but it happened. Do you ever wonder, "What happened? How did I get here?" 

Thinking back. I went through a period of my life where I started thinking I wasn't very helpful to others...or my influence is not enough...or doubting the value of the work...

Even now I wonder, "Who am I writing this for? Why am I writing this like someone is actually going to read it?" But I have so many thoughts day after day, and I don't want to keep drifting. I keep looking for what God is calling me into...and nothing feels fantastic. Whenever I think something is taking shape, that other people will call me into a service...will value my God given gifts...it seems to fall flat. There are enough other people that disagree with the first people that wanted me to help and the people as a whole reject (or passively dismiss) what I have to offer.

Am I worthless?!

I have people in my life that say, "No, you are not worthless. You have tremendous value to us." I thank God for these people. They reinforce what God tells me in his word, but I pray that some day I will only need God's promises to sustain my feeling of value. Theoretically, God's promises should be enough, but maybe not yet (and that's OK). My God does not abandon me when I don't live up to perfection. That's why God came down from heaven, to meet me where I'm at. 

We all enjoy dramatic transformation stories...it just that most of us don't experience life that way. We're slow to change, we waiver and fall, we doubt and we struggle, we get anxious and depressed and angry...very angry. But God is greater than all of these. He lightens our load, He provides an easy way out, He strengthens us to continue the journey, to return.

So I'm back, at least for now. I'm going to try to write more freely. I'm going to try to be consistent. 

Even now I hear the whisper, "Who are you to post a blog? No one's going to see this. You're wasting your time. Even if this does provide some clarity for you now, it will be of no benefit for anyone else. Your children probably won't even read this, and they'd be the only ones to care...maybe when you're dead. Who's going to recieve any benefit from this effort? And if someone does find it, they'll probably turn it against you, attack you, belittle you. You only put yourself out there to be rejected, like all those other times. Save. Don't publish. Wait for later. Quit and get back to what you're supposed to be doing. Quit."

OK, the whisper easily turns into pretty load talking. Fear. It will stop us from so many things. It will obscure reality. I can ramble here, this is my space...not like it's a prepared sermon...not like I'm a professional writer...but then, should I be?

I'm publishing this to get over my fear...sorry for anyone that actually read this rambling. I pray that God works powerfully in your life and helps you overcome your fears too.

Things God Never Said

Talked to an old friend today. He gave me the same devil-infested lies that another friend gave me a little over a year ago.

"We're different people now."

"We haven't been happy for a while."

"We went to counseling. We gave it a shot."

"It was difficult with the kids, a lot of stress."

"To stay married when you're not happy, that's not fair to either one of us."

"This is best for all of us."

"It's over."

God, Damn sin to hell! Just please don't take my friends with it. Please cover over their sin with the blood of your Son, Jesus Christ. Please lead them out of this self-degrading and destructive behavior which ravages families, tears down godly confidence, and teaches the Devil's lies to the next generation. God, please save us from ourselves. Forgive me for my own less-visible sins. All sin destroys your good creation. Please purify my heart. Do not let me give the Devil even a foothold on my heart or mind. When I am tempted to put my own perceived happiness above the responsibilities you have placed in my life, please shake me and point me to the truth in your Word. Even "responsibilities" are blessings from your gracious hand that the Devil has painted with the facade of "hard work", "no fun", and "have to do it". And the joy that your children experience on the other side of trust and obedience is the very thing that the godless seek in their pursuit of happiness and avoidance of responsibilities. You are just in your judgments. Please also be merciful to us. We all have sinned and fall short of your standard. Show us our error, and lead us to change through the power of your unfailing love. 

God never said, "Be happy, because I the Lord your God am happy."
          He did say, "Be holy, because I the Lord your God am holy."

God never said, "My grace doesn't cover that sin."
          He did say, "My grace is sufficient for you."

God never said, "People will never change."
          He did say, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." 
            and "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."

God never said, "Whatever you do, give it a good shot."
          He did say, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart."

God never said, "Love others only when they love you."
          He did say, "Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you."

God never said, "Some marriages just don't work out."
          He did say, "The man who does not love his wife but divorces her, does violence to the one he should protect. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful."

Giver or Taker

I saw this TED Talk at work a while back, and I was randomly thinking about it this morning from a Christian perspective. 

God tells me I am called to be a Giver, but I doubt Him. 

What if I'm in an environment where everyone takes advantage of me? What will be left for me? So I take a little just to balance out the equation, just so I'm not consumed by these people. Then I start taking, because I deserve better. They don't pay me enough for this. They dead end all my work anyway, I can't get anything past management. Why bother trying so hard? 

God calls me to be a Giver, but I doubt Him.

I can see how everything would be better if we had a culture of giving. No one would want for anything, because everyone would help...but that's not the culture we have here...and I'm just one person. I would be worn out before any significant progress would be made. I wouldn't get anything back for all my effort.

God calls me to be a Giver, but I doubt Him.

I keep volunteering so much, and donating so much. I feel compelled to contribute and give to all these excellent causes, especially the work of God's kingdom. I don't have time to stay busy at work, I have flexible hours, that break wasn't too much longer than normal. I've got to use some work time for my volunteer work, because otherwise, when would I do them? I've got other responsibilities when I get home. I'm just running out of time this week.

God calls me to be a Giver, but I doubt Him.

My children were supposed to bring me happiness, but they are so demanding. They only think about playing and what they want. Can't they see that I need to work, and clean the house, and help the neighbor? Don't they see the stress that I'm under? If I take the time to talk with them, to help them with their schoolwork, to help them get ready for bed, to help them eat healthy, to help them stay clean, to help them...when will I have my "me time"?

God calls me to be a Giver, but I doubt Him.

There! I finished. Now can't I be done? This is good enough. They know what I mean. They can figure out the rest. They don't need it exactly their way. This is the best I can do. They are going to have to just accept that. They don't know what I have to go through, they don't know my hard life.

God calls me to be a Giver, but I doubt Him.

Why can't they just follow directions? I told them exactly what I wanted. If I give grace, will they repeat the offense? Will they start taking advantage of me? If I scare them with anger, they will be more likely to pay attention and do what I want. 

God, you call me to be a Giver. Help me!

I have been given much, physical blessings are all around me.

I have been forgiven, there is much to forgive.

I have a loving Father who promises to give me everything I need.

I have a compassionate Brother who knows what it's like.

I have the Spirit within me which links me to the very power and love of God.

I have an eternal inheritance waiting for me.

When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory...I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. Ephesians, Chapter 1

Fidgeting

Thinking about fidget toys this morning...In theory, I am apposed to the use of fidgets, but when I sit down at my computer and start thinking about all the engineering problems I need to solve, I reach for something. I fiddle with my pen, I grab a snack from my lunch, I check my phone...why?

I think that I am looking for comfort.

That may seem odd when you think about the types of things you find yourself fidgeting with, but I think there might be a connection.

I look for other things that I can control when I'm facing a problem that I do not yet have in control. The small thing, the small easy task gives me comfort, makes me believe I can tackle the big challenge in front of me.

What if God was my fidget?

What if whenever I was faced with a big challenge outside of my immediate control, I reached for God? Not as something that I could easily manipulate, but as the Almighty Everlasting Loving Father that comes up along side of me, puts His hand on my shoulder, and says, "Now what are you working on here, son? Need any help?". Instead of pushing His hand away, and saying, "No. I got this. You'll see." - or worse, not even acknowledging His presence - what if I just took the time to answer Him with, "Hey Dad! I'm glad you're here. I could really use some help figuring this one out. You see, here's the problem, I've got...".

Now that's comforting. A lot more comforting than that donut I'm scarfing down as I'm staring at my computer screen...that I know is going to have negative impacts on my health.

What if I enjoyed working along side of Him, knowing that everything is going to turn out great with Him there - even if sometimes it looks like I've really screwed it up? He is patient, and he likes to see me learn. He made me this way, and He enjoys working with me. Maybe I should just let Him.

Claustrophobic - letting go

I had a dream in which I was walking down a hallway. The hallway had concrete block walls and was in a basement of a large building. At the end of the hallway, around the corner was a small room not much bigger than a closet, but it was set up like a library with tall shelves filled with books. It had a shelf along the back wall and a central shelf protruding out from the right wall. Curious, I go in, perusing the shelves. As I get to the back corner, around the central shelf, someone comes up behind me. They are interested in the books as well. Then another person shows up. I try to get out, but there is no way around them. I'm starting to get a little uncomfortable. I climb the center book shelf, hoping to jump over, but when I look over the top, I see a whole crowd that has packed the hallway, and they all are pressing into the room, filling every available space...

I can't get out... 

I start to panic. 

My heart rate sky rockets.

I recognize something is wrong...not with the situation, but with me. I know panicking is not going to solve anything, and is actually making the situation worse. I know I need to calm down...but how?!

I remind myself of the truth, 

"Why am I so upset? I am not under any immediate threat. The oxygen is not going to run out. I am not being hurt. I am just...not in control. I can't do what I want. I'm stuck. But most importantly, even though I am not in control, God is in control. He can take care of me. I don't have to be afraid. Even if this is the end of my earthly life, God is in control. I don't have to be afraid." 

A tremendous relief flows over me. The fog of panic lifts, and I can think clearly about the situation. It occurs to me that I haven't even asked the crowd if they can move back and let me out...

And I wake up. 


I was so nervous when I was not in control of my space. I can see this in other areas of my life as well. But God is still in control. If I let him be in control, I can relax. Then I can think clearly about the situation, and my fears don't run me over.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." - First Peter 5:6-11 ESV

Eclipse Hype

With all the hype about the solar eclipse, I’m reminded of all the wonderful things in all creation that worship the Lord, and yet people, the crown of God’s creation, refuse to worship Him, or even acknowledge His presence.

 

Do not worship the heavenly bodies, or give them more significance than God…

And when you look up to the sky and see the sun, the moon and the stars—all the heavenly array—do not be enticed into bowing down to them and worshiping things the Lord your God has apportioned to all the nations under heaven. Deuteronomy 4:19

They will not last…

“Immediately after the distress of those days “‘the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken.’  Matthew 24:29

That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat. 2Peter 3:12b

Historical punishment for Israelites who worshiped the heavens and not the creator…

They will be exposed to the sun and the moon and all the stars of the heavens, which they have loved and served and which they have followed and consulted and worshiped. They will not be gathered up or buried, but will be like dung lying on the ground. Jeremiah 8:2

Paul preached to those in ignorance…

For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: to an unknown god. So you are ignorant of the very thing you worship—and this is what I am going to proclaim to you.  Acts 17:23

The truth and our purpose…

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:18-20

That all may join in true Christian Worship…

But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.” John 4:23-24

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.  Hebrews 10:24-26

He said in a loud voice, “Fear God and give him glory, because the hour of his judgment has come. Worship him who made the heavens, the earth, the sea and the springs of water.” Revelation 14:7

A Whack on the Thumb...again

"Ow! I cannot believe this! Ow! God, you got to be kidding! Again!"

I smacked my thumb on the top of a pallet fence as I was throwing a shovel full of goat manure over...and I had previously hit this thumb with a hammer, cracking the nail in half perpendicular to my thumb.

I keep hitting this thumb, and it hurts. I'm not one for yelling when in pain, but I'm starting to develop this bad habit with this thumb. The nail is broken half way down, so it's going to be a while before it grows out and is well protected again. Thinking about it now, I can't imagine how many times I'm going to hit it again, but in the moment, I never expect to hit it again.

I wonder if God feels the same way. 

Does He  think, "OK, I've lined everything up. I'm taking care of him. There is no way he's going to fall into sin now...OH MAN! OW! You got to be kidding me! Again! Ow! I can't believe how much this hurts! It's not supposed to be like this!"

I know Christ has taken away all of our sins for all time, and the Father can now look down on us with love as he sees a bunch of perfect children...but what about willful sins? What about the ones that we forcefully shove God out of our lives so we can do what we want right now? Isn't that unbelief? Isn't that throwing down the bright white cloak of Christ's righteousness and wallowing in the mud right in front of an ever-present God of justice? 

What does that feel like for God?

We get a little picture of what it feels like in the crucifixion of Jesus. How many of us would vomit at the sight of such a brutal torture? Sin hurts, sin kills.

But then we repeat the offense...again...again...again. I know the frustration that can occur when a spouse keeps offending in the same way over and over again. It doesn't take long for our human patience to run out. Can we even overlook one offense without blowing up, making a snide comment, or a sarcastic joke? 

God must be a glutton for punishment (please excuse the use of this coarse phraseology). Why does he stand there? - in sight of our offenses, in view of our cheating on him, right next to us while we spit on him, bend over while we scourge him, kneel while we strike him in the face, spread his arms while we pound nails through his hands, stand on a nail through his feet while we mock his power...his power that he willingly gives up...so that we can be part of his family, eat at his table, share in the inheritance, come back to life, be immortal, be free.

I guess thinking about it more, God wouldn't yell in outburst at our sins. The scriptures never mention Jesus yelling...except maybe when clearing the temple. Maybe there are two scenarios...

For his elected chosen children who are also weak fleshly creatures who find themselves astray and humbly crawl back to their Father just hoping for a slaves quarters - he patiently endures your offending, cheating, spitting, scourging, beating, killing - so that you may come to the realization of the truth and be saved.

For those hard hearted willfull sinners of pride who trade the righteousness of God for disgusting filthy rags of this physical world - God please never let me be this person, and may I never meet one. The wrath of God is reserved for these. May I see only pre-believers, not unbelievers. Please, send me to the lost, the confused, the mislead, and the broken, so I can be so privileged to see you find, correct, lead, and heal.