Despair - Truth - Grace

I had a terrible dream last night. I was all alone, not physically, but emotionally. I was actually surrounded by a lot of people throughout the whole dream. I was trying to find a place to stay for my family. We were trying to get a hotel room, but there was a big event in the area that prevented us from getting one of the last six available rooms. One of my extended family members had gotten the last room so I had to sheepishly ask if we could stay with them. The dream then morphed into a pit of self-pity. 

We were in a large meeting area, a special ceremony was being held within our family. Each person was recognized and praised, but I was overlooked. People looked at me with disdain. They didn’t want to hear from me. I was reminded of all my failures of life, mainly relational (I am not good at conveying my thoughts in an un-argumentative fashion). I kept thinking, “Why are they hurting me so bad? How could I have ever hurt them this bad?”

I was reminded of my failures of performance. All the things I’ve tried, that didn’t pan out, that didn’t amount to much, that seemingly accomplished no good. I was reduced to a pouty child in the corner, playing with one of the gifts that was given to someone else. I was trying to figure out how it worked…really just trying to remove myself emotionally from the ego beat down. When a man came over and stopped me from playing with it, because I was being too loud. He stifled my cry for help, for some positive attention, and belittled me in the process. I felt like jumping out a window. “Maybe they’ll care then! When they see what they’ve lead me to do.” 

I awoke in this despair of heart like a weight on my chest, and a wall of tears held back before my eyes.

Why was I given this dream? Have I caused others to feel this way? At times, have I made my children feel like the child in the corner? I would never commit suicide…why was I compelled to jump? This is the Devil’s work! Accusing sinners of all their mistakes.

At this point I try to conclude my dream, to spin it in a positive light, trying to pull my emotions back from the dregs. With my conscious thoughts I prepared a speech to the people that had been so cold to me.

My first reaction is to condemn them and jump out the window…No, that will never do. I would be despairing and in the danger of hell, and the people that remained probably wouldn’t care. They would think the problem was resolved, the problem was removed. I realized that that option forgets that God still loves me, though the people around me and my thoughts lead me to doubt God could love me. It forgets that Christ saved me. It forgets that Christ saved them.

Their actions were not kind to me in the dream, but I recognized that I must have done something to offend each person. So my unlooked-for speech begins: “I’m sorry.” Then, I give apologies to each party that has specifically made a jab at me during the ceremony. “I know I am utterly hopeless on my own, but I still trust that God loves me, though your actions lead me to doubt this. I feel like jumping out a window, but God would not be happy with me taking my own life, and leaving you here. You can judge for yourselves if you have treated me fairly. If you have disciplined me with love, or if you have avoided me in scorn. If you have spoken rightly of me, or if you have conspired to mount accusations against me. God still has some use for me.”

Then, as I walk out of the hall, someone shouts, “No one cares!” with a half chuckle from the crowd.

I spin and shout, “May God hold you accountable for your words!”

(my subconscious kind of takes over here) 
At that, he begins to choke on something he was eating. My first instinct for a brief second is to let him die accursed. An enemy smote by God. But then I run over to him and give him the Heimlich. In dramatic fashion the room is hushed. 

I realize God has provided my perfect response to this accusing crowd: Love. They realized I am not trying to condemn them, but save them. I had saved the life of someone who I directly opposed, because my God compels me. I am not trying to use my words to tear down, but to bind up.

Maybe I need to work on better actions and less words.

With that insight I headed downstairs. I was still in a depressed mood from being beat down in my dream. I knew I needed to go to God’s word. 

Just an aside: I like to open up the bible and read the first section I see. I believe God is active in our lives, and nothing is by accident. I also know God’s word is living and active, sharper than any double edged sword. God uses events in my life and his word to surgically remove fear, doubt, and rebellion from my heart, mind, and soul. So I try not to let my own presumptions get in the way. 

This was feeling like more of a time to be in the New Testament, so I open more towards the back and landed in First Corinthians, chapter 15. God reminded me of the simple truth of the gospel. Christ saved me. Jesus lived; Jesus died; Jesus rose. Paul, arguably the most powerful tool used to spread God’s word after Christ, almost laments even being called an apostle because of his unworthy nature. The passage that really hit me, and obliterated my despair was verse 10. 

“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect.”

Thank you LORD! 
Please equip me for your service. Heart, mind, and soul. Completely. Amen.