At His Door

"sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it."

God's words to Cain, first murderer and hardened sinner, before he attacked his brother.

It's a battle. When you think you're standing firm, you show your weak spot. How easy it is to change our attitude and corresponding actions based on our sinful desires...and still think we're right with God.

In church...that's right, in church, where I am supposedly the perfect Christian man leading his family in worship to God...I sin. My heart lied to me, and I caught myself believing the lie.

Right before the first hymn, I hand one of my boys the bulletin to hang onto while I hold the hymnal. A very small task to help me as I try to serve him. But he won't hang onto it. First he tries to pass it off to his sister. Next, he tries to fold it in half so it will lay on the pew between himself and his sister...I grab it back from him. I don't know if he realized my attitude toward him changed, but it did. I held the hymnal right in front of myself instead of leaning it over so it would be between us. "If he's not going to help me, then I'm not going to help him."

Then it hits me, "This isn't what I want! My whole goal is to get him to worship our God with me. I'm trying to punish him. I'm trying to make him love me by withholding my love. What is wrong with me?"

Of course I know exactly what's wrong with me. I'm a sinner who has no idea how incredibly sinful he is. I'm a sinner who complains about all the stuff going wrong in my life without realizing I'm causing the problems. I'm a sinner that judges others based on their actions and myself based on my intentions. I'm a sinner who wants everyone to serve me and my "needs".

I'm a sinner...who doesn't have to be.

"Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

Repent means "to turn". Knowing what God has done to save me, His great love for me, allows me to turn. No one truly turns without love. Why do we keep believing we have control over other people? Even our children? You can force someone to obey, but their heart will not turn. Why do I try to turn my children without love? Foolishness.

I leaned over to my boy and pointed to each word as I was singing. My wife had no idea I was struggling with this sin in church. And if she didn't know, I'm positive no one else noticed. But it was there, in that holy place where God has put His Name. Sin, crouching at my door. But also in that holy place, I heard exactly what I needed to hear,

"God, our heavenly Father, has been merciful to us and has given his only Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. Therefore, as a called servant of Christ and by his authority, I forgive you all your sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."

And I said, "Amen!"

Rated Teen?

I just saw this morning that my Bible app is rated "Teen". Really? I suppose...it has prostitution, rape, homosexuality, murder...But should my children wait until they are teenagers to start reading the Bible?

NO WAY!

The problem with our world's rating system is that it only looks for the mere occurrence of these sinful actions. It doesn't look at how these sinful actions are addressed or how these sinful actions run into serious consequences. The Bible shows the true result of following your sinful desires...death, or in less severe cases, some form of dying (i.e. disease, broken relationships, hardening of hearts, being apart from God).
The real problem is the stuff we let our children watch and read (also rated Teen), but tells lies, disconnecting the sinful behaviors from their natural consequences.

They read about sex with multiple people and hear about how fun it is, but never hear about the deep pit of loneliness and insecurity you sink into by still being alone outside of marriage. The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”...That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

They see homosexuality, and never hear that they "received in themselves the due penalty for their error."

They watch dramatized stealing where the master thief gets away, and then believe that there are certain situations where it is OK to steal, where we judge others unworthy of what we should have (this is so common even without encouragement). But God described how true Christians act when He gave us The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

They see all the fun they can have with "stuff", but don't see that it never really satisfies, and leaves you groping for more. You can't have it, because God says, "the world is mine, and all that is in it." Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

They hear the funny jokes about the dumb, close-minded religious people, and never hear, "For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked leads to destruction."

They even watch thousands of commercials, not showing the true quality of the product, but eye candy, things not even remotely connected to the products, lying to them of a better experience than reality (no wonder we doubt everything anyone says). What will they get into if they don't know to Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. And go to God so that the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The Bible might be rated "Teen", but it's also rated Adult, Child, Man, Woman, Sinner, Saint, Parent, Grandparent...well, I guess you could just say rated "E" for Everyone. (but that's not as dramatic)

Fog of Depression

I was depressed today at work. Felt like my work was worthless. Too much to do. Too dumb to find solutions. Too slow to understand. A fog of thought snippets flying by so fast that they blur into nothingness, nothing of value at least. Paralyzing, tiring, depressing...

Everyone else seams to have it together. They focus on themselves. Have their lives firmly centered on what they want. Then they set out and accomplish it. Little thought of their ways. They are smart enough to figure it all out. They've got a plan and it's working for them. Not much thought of others.

I don't know what I want. I want to help, but don't seam to be of much use. I want to be a top contributor, but don't seam to have the means. Giving out of what I haven't yet got. Like putting the cart before the horse. I should just be focused on my career. I want to provide for my family, but feel like we're backpedaling, taking on more work and more risk with less payout.

Why isn't my path clear?

I read and meditated on Psalm 37, which happened to be posted on my cubical wall from when I was wrestling with finding the line. I found healing right away on verse 4: Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  This stirred me to write down the desires of my heart that were particularly heavy today:

• That my children know the Lord
• To be effective in the kingdom of God
• To bless those around me with my work
• To leave an inheritance for my children
• To be full of grace
• To be confident in my decisions

Some my may point out that the above list doesn't mention anything about my wife. And my response is that I am so completely satisfied with my wife, I couldn't think of anything I more desire from her. But I did think about how certain desires of who I want to be, would reflect in our relationship and our common goals.

I found delight in the Lord as I read through this psalm. Contrary to my natural impulse, I read it somewhat out of order, rereading certain sections that needed another pass through my mind and into my heart. I am constantly amazed at how God works among the seaming chaos. I pray He works for you too...

Do not fret because of those who are evil
    or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither,
    like green plants they will soon die away.
Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
    your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord
    and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
    when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
    do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For those who are evil will be destroyed,
    but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.
A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
    though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land
    and enjoy peace and prosperity.
The wicked plot against the righteous
    and gnash their teeth at them;
but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
    for he knows their day is coming.
The wicked draw the sword
    and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
    to slay those whose ways are upright.
But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
    and their bows will be broken.
Better the little that the righteous have
    than the wealth of many wicked;
for the power of the wicked will be broken,
    but the Lord upholds the righteous.
The blameless spend their days under the Lord’s care,
    and their inheritance will endure forever.
In times of disaster they will not wither;
    in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
But the wicked will perish:
    Though the Lord’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
    they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.
The wicked borrow and do not repay,
    but the righteous give generously;
those the Lord blesses will inherit the land,
    but those he curses will be destroyed.
The Lord makes firm the steps
    of the one who delights in him;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
    for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
I was young and now I am old,
    yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
    or their children begging bread.
They are always generous and lend freely;
    their children will be a blessing.[b]
Turn from evil and do good;
    then you will dwell in the land forever.
For the Lord loves the just
    and will not forsake his faithful ones.
Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed[c];
    the offspring of the wicked will perish.
The righteous will inherit the land
    and dwell in it forever.
The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
    and their tongues speak what is just.
The law of their God is in their hearts;
    their feet do not slip.
The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
    intent on putting them to death;
but the Lord will not leave them in the power of the wicked
    or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
Hope in the Lord
    and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
    when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.
I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
    flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
but he soon passed away and was no more;
    though I looked for him, he could not be found.
Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
    a future awaits those who seek peace.[d]
But all sinners will be destroyed;
    there will be no future[e] for the wicked.
The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord;
    he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
The Lord helps them and delivers them;
    he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
    because they take refuge in him.