You Complete Me

So I am reading Gary Smalley’s The DNA of Relationships. Right in the middle of his discussion on taking personal responsibility, he brings up certain lies about relationships that people believe. A popular one is “You complete me” (think Jerry Maguire here). This sounds good on the surface, especially with emotional music in the background. But this is the old compromise relationship, the old 50/50, the old miserable relationship because we expect the other person to hold up their end of the bargain. We also take it upon ourselves to let them know when we notice them slipping. This is a horrible relationship, cold, contractual; there is no room for love to flourish here. And on page 52 in Chapter three, Gary asks this question, “In your experience, do two unhappy people normally form one happy couple?” I think we all have to agree, not usually.

This sent a light bulb moment to my brain, and I immediately sent out a tweet with Gary’s question and added, “Don’t expect your spouse to complete you. Only God can do that.” 

Then, this morning I get an email from Pastor Jeske entitled “Love Your Singleness” The two sources fit well together, and I was quite impressed with the timing (sometimes God has to make things real obvious for me). So I hope you read both Gary’s book and Pastor Jeske’s Grace Moment, and understand better the power of God in our relationships.

Optimism or Realism

Aren't we all realists? It just depends on our view of reality. Some are right and some are wrong. “Optimist” and “Pessimist” are labels we usually assign to others that we are comparing to ourselves, and we use our “realism” as the measuring stick. Even if you think of yourself as a positive person, you don't go beyond your view of reality.

I've read a lot of authors who say, “Be optimistic and you will be successful!” I've found that when I try to be optimistic, I lie to myself. I seem to be trying to believe something that isn't realistic, and therefore untrue, all because I want it to be different. Sometimes this forced optimism is motivated by an improved perception of myself, sometimes motivated by a desire for success, sometimes motivated by my desire to be more Christ-like. But I find myself struggling against “reality.” I’m trying to believe a lie. I’m trying to force a more positive view of the real world. Even if I exercise my creative powers to come up with positive comments to say and compliments to give, I find my mind whispering “Yeah, but…” 

Other books have told me, “Feed the positive voice and drown out the negative voice.” Basically change your subconscious programming, but when I try to rewrite my own view of the world, I lose a little bit of myself and become someone else that I have made up in my mind. I know it’s not me, because I can analyze both people. If I set up an ideal person or image that I want to change myself into, it leads to lots of frustration. First, I’m trying to be something I know I currently am not. Second, I will never flawlessly follow my ideal image (nobody is perfect). So now I've got low self-esteem because I want success, so I try to be the ideal optimist, and I fail to either follow my ideal or I feel fake when dealing with other people. So what’s the answer? 

I want success => I try to be optimistic => I don’t believe myself => I feel fake, and falter => I motivate myself, because I want success => ???

The books say, “You've got to love the process.” Love the process? Like an abused woman staying with her abusive man? The books say, “Hold a dream close in mind.” Hold the carrot in front of the mule. Do the painful work to get what you want. Of course we don’t know what something is truly like until we get it. There may be extreme disappointment if you have sacrificed your blood, sweat, and tears for something of little lasting worth. The dream is whatever you want. It might be good, but it usually isn't. I always want laziness and selfishness. You say, “Well, of course those aren't good. You have to dream of good things.” But you would be surprised how many things fit into these categories. What’s your motive? Don’t be so sure. 

Even a motivation to be more Christ-like can be walking down the path of Pharisees. A moralistic self-righteousness appears in us, putting ourselves on a pedestal and looking down at others who don’t follow the rules like we do. The real motivation is to pat ourselves on the back and say to God, “Don’t worry, I got this whole sanctification thing. I’ll take it from here.” Foolishness.

The only real answer is to find true reality. When you find true reality you don’t have to try to be something different than who you are. You just change naturally to align yourself with reality. It doesn't make sense to oppose reality. You just find yourself running in circles.

Welcome to reality. Not my reality, true reality, revealed only through God’s word.

We are not perfect. None of us. You may have guessed this one already.

God demands perfection. We cannot enter God’s presence with even one wrong thought. We die because we are not perfect.

God sent his son to be perfection for us. Jesus suffered hell on earth so we could spend an eternity in heaven.

We believe in Jesus as our savior through faith, which is given to us by God, the Holy Spirit. We cannot approach God on our own, because of our imperfection, so God comes to us, calling each one of us to repentance. We confess that Jesus is Lord by the power of the Holy Spirit. Now God says to us, “I have bought you back from death. I have set you apart. I give you my power, my knowledge, my love. You follow my will. You are my child.” Notice that He does not say, “Now you can try to follow my will. You can try to be my child if you do everything right. I can set you apart if you are good enough. You should do everything I ask you to do.” We will do it, because the work is done. We are confident in Gods’ love and mercy not because we always ask ourselves, “What would Jesus do?” but because we always ask ourselves, “What has Jesus done?” We remind ourselves daily that “It is finished.” and we are God’s children. He is our Father. We ARE different, because that is how He made us. Be free to be yourself, God’s redeemed child. We pray to God and read His word that He has given to us. This communication is the focal point of our relationship.

God constantly watches out for his children. He gives us exactly what we need. He gives us many blessings we can’t possibly count. He gives us opportunities to show love to others. He gives us suffering when we need our faith strengthened or when others need to see our strong faith. Everything is for our benefit. He promises to bless us whichever direction we chose to travel. It will all be for our good, even if it looks like a u-turn. Trust him.
That’s reality. 

Be a realist.

I am a success through Jesus => I trust God’s plan for me => I believe God works for my good => I am motivated by God’s love and mercy to be different

Natural Law

I was recently reading We Hold These Truths to be Self-Evident by Oliver DeMille. The whole book is based on natural law, meaning absolute laws of nature and principle, and how these laws are applied to government. It only took until Chapter 3 for the lightning bolt to strike the connection to our church’s sermon series about great questions of faith. The particular sermon that was the lightning rod for Chapter 3 was answering the question, “How can a loving God show so much justice?” Pastor did a great job explaining this seemingly conflicting view, but often times it takes personal connection to really drive the point home. Or just different words that make the connection. Or just repetition until my slow brain can comprehend what is being said. Anyway, somewhere in the sermon, he addressed the topic of Hell, and reading about natural law made something click in a slightly different way. 

Natural law (force) is meant to protect people (self-defense). Natural law is meant to stop the bad in order to protect the good. Force should never be used to force someone to do good (nature of free will). You are free to do whatever you want as long as it is good. God binds himself to natural law. He is just, upholding the law through his power; He is loving, wanting all people to obey the law which leads to ultimate freedom.

We are required to be perfect by God’s law, but we are not forced into one path of service. God supports the good, but restrains the bad. We are not even forced to obey (which would be good); we are only told not to break the law. Sin breaks the law by hurting God and others. God’s law requires that he protect us…from ourselves. The law restrains those that break it for the protection of others (good and bad). God wants to stop the hurt, the chaos. No one does good. Christ had to obey the law as our substitute, give his righteousness to the world, but then God needs to restrain those that reject his righteousness for the sake of those that have received Christ’s righteousness. Ultimately this rejection puts a person into Hell, because God needs to protect those who have obeyed the law (through faith in Christ’s substitution).

If God wants to make all things new to alleviate suffering forever; and if we are eternal beings of body and soul (we don’t just disappear when we die); and if we are not perfect and God is perfect; and if God enabled a substitution of perfectness in his Son Jesus Christ; and if some receive this gift of undeserved righteousness, but others reject this gift of righteousness and cling to their own imperfections; and if God is just (not a liar), upholding natural laws that bind unrighteousness for the protection of the righteous; then God must separate good from bad in order to create the ultimate good environment  (the necessity of Hell).

I also made the connection to parenting. For a while I have been questioning my practice of making my children obey me. In certain circumstances it seemed like the right thing to do, and in others, it seemed wrong. The study of natural law has helped me see the difference. When I uphold the law to protect others (self-defense), the force is right and good. When I force one of my children to do something good, I have taken the law too far. The law (parenting) is meant to restrain evil, so good can flourish freely. The law was never meant to force kindness, caring, love, and generosity. These are meant to flow out of God’s Spirit who is in us. When I discipline one child for the sake of the others, I show love to all my children (and my wife). When I forgive and give our children freedom to obey God’s law on their own. They are thankful (most of the time), and try their best. We all fail, and most times when they are not thankful to follow God’s law, it means I have not displayed God’s love correctly toward them in my discipline. Love by discipline, following my Father’s lead.

There is a lot here, and kind of jumbled. Much of it can be taken much deeper. I recommend reading DeMille’s book, which I started and finished in one day because I couldn't put it down.

I also highly recommend listening to the sermon that connected natural law (justice) to God’s love:  http://vimeo.com/99354475

Or read it here: How can a loving God show so much justice.pdf

Self-esteem Booster

I am a constant screw up. God knows that. He chose me anyway. I have value, because He values me. I do not have to be ashamed of my failures, because God chose me. He loves; He forgives; He heals me. God does not change. I am not good at many things. God knows that. He chose me anyway. I am not successful. Jesus was successful. I am where God has placed me, and I am going where God leads me. And if I go the wrong way, God will make it all come together. And if I will never have worldly success, I will be content with that. I will struggle on to win the prize, to further His kingdom, to help my neighbors, to love my wife and children, to be His. Because He chose me anyway.