I was depressed today at work. Felt like my work was worthless. Too much to do. Too dumb to find solutions. Too slow to understand. A fog of thought snippets flying by so fast that they blur into nothingness, nothing of value at least. Paralyzing, tiring, depressing...
Everyone else seams to have it together. They focus on themselves. Have their lives firmly centered on what they want. Then they set out and accomplish it. Little thought of their ways. They are smart enough to figure it all out. They've got a plan and it's working for them. Not much thought of others.
I don't know what I want. I want to help, but don't seam to be of much use. I want to be a top contributor, but don't seam to have the means. Giving out of what I haven't yet got. Like putting the cart before the horse. I should just be focused on my career. I want to provide for my family, but feel like we're backpedaling, taking on more work and more risk with less payout.
Why isn't my path clear?
I read and meditated on Psalm 37, which happened to be posted on my cubical wall from when I was wrestling with finding the line. I found healing right away on verse 4: Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. This stirred me to write down the desires of my heart that were particularly heavy today:
- That my children know the Lord
- To be effective in the kingdom of God
- To bless those around me with my work
- To leave an inheritance for my children
- To be full of grace
- To be confident in my decisions
Some my may point out that the above list doesn't mention anything about my wife. And my response is that I am so completely satisfied with my wife, I couldn't think of anything I more desire from her. But I did think about how certain desires of who I want to be, would reflect in our relationship and our common goals.
I found delight in the Lord as I read through this psalm. Contrary to my natural impulse, I read it somewhat out of order, rereading certain sections that needed another pass through my mind and into my heart. I am constantly amazed at how God works among the seaming chaos. I pray He works for you too...
Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.
A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.
The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.
The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.
Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;
for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the Lord upholds the righteous.
The blameless spend their days under the Lord’s care,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
But the wicked will perish:
Though the Lord’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.
The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;
those the Lord blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be destroyed.
The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing.[b]
Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.
For the Lord loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed[c];
the offspring of the wicked will perish.
The righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.
The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
and their tongues speak what is just.
The law of their God is in their hearts;
their feet do not slip.
The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
intent on putting them to death;
but the Lord will not leave them in the power of the wicked
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
Hope in the Lord
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.
I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.
Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
a future awaits those who seek peace.[d]
But all sinners will be destroyed;
there will be no future[e] for the wicked.
The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
The Lord helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.
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